A Beautiful Home for the Incurable Sample Pages

Act 1, Scene 1     A Beautiful Home for the Incurable       ACT ONE   SCENE ONE     AT RISE:  The living room of a small one bedroom apartment that is both deeply lived in and neatly kept.  There are three doors visible:  stage right is the front door, upstage center are glass doors leading to a small balcony.  From the view, it’s clear that we’re more than a dozen floors up. Stage left stands the door into the bedroom.   The front door has four deadbolts; they are the kind that require a key, even from the inside. Above the door is a sign reading:  “There’s no place like Home.”  The kitchen area is part of the living room, separated by a counter.  The living room contains a couch, chair; knickknacks; several bookcases; knickknacks; dining room table preset with a bowl of chips, an empty platter, cups and plates; and knickknacks.  There is also a large fish bowl on bookcase nearest the bedroom.   (BUNNY ENTERS from the bedroom.  He stands anxiously for a moment before crossing to the fish bowl.  He taps on the glass.)                                                               BUNNY Are you hungry?                                                 (BUNNY feeds the fish.)   Here Odie, here boy.  Are you hungry, Odie?  Hungry-wungry?  Is Odie hungry-wungry?  Are you?                           (The DOORBELL rings.  BUNNY immediately crosses to the door.  Peers through the peep-hole.  Doesn’t see anything.  BUNNY produces a large ring of color-coded keys, prepares himself, and unlocks the four deadbolts. He peers cautiously into the hall.)                                       BUNNY (cont) Lucy?  Madilyn?   (No answer.  HE closes the door again.  Meticulously locks each of the four locks.   Just as he turns the last key, there is a KNOCK at the door.  He peers through the hole again, prepares himself, and unlocks the door again.  BUNNY pokes his head out into the hall.)                                                               BUNNY (cont) Madilyn?  Nick?  Is that you?                           (BUNNY hurriedly closes the door again.  Just as he turns the first lock, the DOORBELL rings again.  HE whips the door open as quickly as possible.  The door swings open and NICK leaps through.)                                                               NICK Boo!                           (BUNNY shrieks.)                                                               BUNNY That’s not funny!                                                                NICK You’re awfully jumpy, Bunny.                                                               BUNNY You know that’s not funny.                                                               NICK Maybe you shouldn’t be inviting strangers into your house.                                                               BUNNY It’s the ones I know that I’m worried about.                                                               NICK There’s tape on your door.                                                               BUNNY What?                           (NICK sticks a wadded-up ball of tape on Bunny’s forehead.)                                                               NICK Someone’s been taping things on your door.                                                                BUNNY I thought you weren’t coming.                                                               NICK Why wouldn’t I come?                                                               BUNNY You seemed….                                                               NICK I seemed…?                                                               BUNNY Hostile.                                                               NICK Hostile?  Why would I be hostile, Bunny?                                                               BUNNY Because I invited someone to the group without asking you?                                                               NICK It sounds so formal when you say it. “The Group”.   Just what kind of “group” did you say this was, Bunny?                                                               BUNNY Friends.  A group of friends.  You always said we need a fourth for poker.                                                               NICK                                     (opening the fridge) No, what I said was it sucks playing with three.  Especially when one passes out whenever she gets a good hand.  Hey, where’s all the food?                                                               BUNNY There was a miscommunication at the grocery.                                                               NICK You’ve got a case of bottled water and a pickle.  What’s this?                                                               BUNNY Powdered milk.                                                               NICK Really?                                                               BUNNY I don’t see what the big deal is, Nick.                                                                 NICK Maybe I don’t share your appetite for humiliation.  What are we supposed to eat?                                                               BUNNY Lucy’s bringing the food.                                                               NICK It takes her forty minutes to buy a stick of deodorant.                                                               BUNNY Well there are a lot of choices in deodorant.  It’s overwhelming.                                                               NICK She passed out in the produce aisle trying to buy a tomato last week.                                                               BUNNY I sent her a list.                                      NICK They call me.  I’m on a first name basis with the vegetable guy.                                                               BUNNY It was a detailed list— I included specifics.  And she gave me her walkie-talkie.                                                                NICK She’s a narcoleptic.  You should have included cocaine.  What kind of miscommunication was this?                                                               BUNNY They’re having trouble with their delivery person.  Anyway, you’ll like Madilyn.                                                                NICK I will?                                                               BUNNY She’s… friendly.                                                               NICK                                     (deadpan) Friendly?  You mean, like… “loose”?  Horizontally accessible?  I like that.                                                               BUNNY She’s not horizontally… “loose”.                                                               NICK What does she look like?                                                               BUNNY I don’t know.                                                               NICK She didn’t email her picture?                                                               BUNNY She’s just nice, alright?                                                               NICK You met her on the Internet.  You’ve never even spoken with her.  She’s probably some psycho who’s going to steal your pickle and your car keys.                                                               BUNNY Nobody steals Hyundais.  They’re very good that way.                                                                NICK Maybe she has a Hyundai fetish.  You never know what they have.  I hope you checked her for viruses.  You should always check for viruses before you download a girl.                                                                BUNNY I’m not talking to you anymore.                                                               NICK She probably didn’t even tell you her real name.  It’s probably Charlene Manson.                                                               BUNNY People don’t lie about themselves in support groups.  It defeats the purpose.                                                               NICK How did she describe herself?  “SWF seeks homely agoraphobe for group hugs in musty apartment”?                                                               BUNNY It wasn’t a personals ad.                                                               NICK They write those things in code, Bunny, to make themselves seem less worse than they are.  They’ll say, like, “free spirit”, instead of “substance abuser.”                                                               BUNNY It wasn’t a personals ad!                                                               NICK How old is she?                                                               BUNNY Thirty-ish.                                                               NICK I.e: “thirty-nine.”                                                               BUNNY She’s athletic—                                                               NICK “Flat-chested.”                                                               BUNNY Outgoing….                                                               NICK “Loud.”                                                               BUNNY She’s not “loud”.                                                               NICK On screen, you mean.  She’s not loud on screen?                                                               BUNNY Nick, you can’t be rude to her.                                                               NICK I can’t?                                                               BUNNY She has… I told you what she has.                                                               NICK What?                                                               BUNNY Well we all have something.  That’s why….                                                               NICK                                     (with the slightest edge) What’s she got, Bunny?                                                               BUNNY Transient Global Amnesia.                           (Beat.)                                                               NICK She forgets about the homeless of the world?                                                               BUNNY When she’s over-stimulated she can’t remember… she should explain it for herself.  I’m not going to categorize it.                                                               NICK She can’t remember having sex.                                                               BUNNY I never said that!  I don’t know what she can’t remember.                                                               NICK I read it on the Internet.                                                               BUNNY It’s only one of many possible symptoms.                                                               NICK The most common one.  Whenever she gets over-stimulated.                                                               BUNNY Then why are you asking me?                                                               NICK So what happens when she has one of her fits?                                                               BUNNY Nothing.  She starts asking questions.                                                               NICK What kind of questions?                                                               BUNNY Like, “Where am I?  What am I doing?”  That sort of thing.                                                               NICK “Is it always that small?  Do I add water?”                            (BUNNY holds out a bowl of chips.  NICK takes a chip, but before he can bring it to his mouth, BUNNY speaks—)                                                               BUNNY   Have a chip.                           (NICK’s arm freezes.  HE opens his mouth.  The chip inches toward it.  NICK strains forward.  Just when it seems like success is within Nick’s grasp, BUNNY takes the chip from his hand and pops it in his own mouth.  For the next several lines, Nick’s hand remains in the same position near his mouth, fingers holding an imaginary potato chip, until he can “forget” about it.)   All I’m saying is that it’s no worse than apraxia.                                                               NICK At least you can remember what you’re not getting.  Is this like a date?  What am I?  A chaperone?                                                               BUNNY It’s not a date.                                                               NICK Looks like one to me.                                                               BUNNY Well, it’s not.                                                               NICK Look me in the eye.                                                               BUNNY It is not a date.                                                               NICK Is too.                                                               BUNNY Is not.                                                               NICK Is too.                                                               BUNNY It is not, Nick.                                                               NICK It is so not, Bunny.                                                               BUNNY It is so too, Nick.                                                               NICK Nope, it’s not.                                                                BUNNY Yes, it is.                                                               NICK No, it’s not.                                                               BUNNY Yes it… wait a minute.                                                               NICK You said it.                                                               BUNNY I did not.                                                               NICK Did not what?                                                               BUNNY I don’t know.                                                               NICK Ha!                                                               BUNNY Look, she’s married, alright?  We didn’t meet through the personals.  This is not a date.                            (The DOORBELL rings.)   Are you going to be nice?                                                               NICK                                     (blankly) I’m sorry, what am I doing?                                                               BUNNY Are you going to be nice?                                                                 NICK                                     (blankly) Where am I?                                                               BUNNY Nick!                         (The DOORBELL rings again.  BUNNY crosses to the door.  Hesitates.  There is a SHRIEK from the other side.  BUNNY hurried unlocks and opens the door.  Standing in the hallway is MADILYN.  She is being embraced in a full-on bear hug by LUCY.)                                       MADILYN Um, hello?                                                               LUCY I’m Lucy.                                                                MADILYN Hi, I’m—                                                               LUCY And this is Bunny.                                                               BUNNY Hi.                                                               MADILYN Hi.                                                               LUCY And this is Nick.                                                               MADILYN                                     (extending her hand) Nice to meet you.                           (NICK doesn’t extend his hand.)                                                               LUCY Nick doesn’t shake hands—                                                               BUNNY It’s the apraxia.  It’s too thoughtful.  I mean—shaking hands— it’s too awow—aware. Conscious.  It takes too much—                                                               NICK What Bunny is trying to say is that I can’t do physical activities that require a lot of conscious thought.  I can’t shake hands if you ask me.  If you stick your hand out, I’ll probably do it instinctively.  It’s called apraxia.                                                               MADILYN I know.  Bunny told me.                                                               NICK Did he?                                                               LUCY I have narcolepsy.  It’s not what you think— I’m not attracted to dead people.                                                               NICK Except Bunny, here.                                                               BUNNY Lucy falls asleep when she’s excited.  And I’m not dead.                                                               NICK Quick, call the papers.                                                               LUCY Do you want something to eat or drink?                                                               MADILYN Something to drink would be nice.                                                               LUCY There’s soda.  Or beer.  Or water.   (LUCY hands two of the grocery bags to NICK, who takes them into the kitchen.  SHE follows with two more.)                                                               MADILYN A diet soda?                                                               LUCY Tonight’s poker night.  Every week it’s something different.                                                               BUNNY Hi.                                                               MADILYN Hi.                                                               LUCY It’s Nick’s week.  He always picks poker.  I like to watch videos.                                                               BUNNY She doesn’t usually—                                                               LUCY I don’t usually talk this much.  It’s not to keep from falling asleep or anything.  Bunny says I’m really uninhabited.                                                                 BUNNY                                     (to Madilyn) Uninhibited.                                                               LUCY I’m just excited to meet you.  It makes me sleepy just to think about it.  I better sit down.  I really like you a lot.                                                               MADILYN I like you, too.                                                               LUCY My psychiatrist says excitement is kind of like sex for me. I get pleasure from it, which is why I always work myself up.                                                                BUNNY Uh, Lucy—                                                               LUCY But I always pay for it in the end.                                                               NICK                                     (holding up the groceries in the kitchen, blankly) Bunny, where am I?  What am I doing?                                                               BUNNY                                     (torn between Lucy and Nick) I…um… just….   (BUNNY dashes into the kitchen to area to put away the groceries.  NICK saunters into the living room.)                                                               MADILYN So, you… um, see a psychiatrist?                                                               LUCY Student psychiatrist.  From the college.  We used to talk about my narcolepsy, but now we mostly talk about how our sessions are becoming the source of my low self-esteem.                                                               MADILYN Why would they do that?                                                               LUCY Dr. Keaver says it’s because he’s six years younger than me, but I think it’s because he keeps looking his watch when I’m talking.  Actually, it’s not the looking so much that bothers me, it’s when he starts tapping it to see if it’s working.                                                               BUNNY                                     (coming back into the living room) Maybe we should talk about something else.  Lucy?                                                               LUCY Did you show Madilyn the new homes?                                                               BUNNY                                     (chagrined) No.  They’re still…                                       (pointing to the other room) …in there.  Lucy likes to look at houses.  It’s sort of a hobby.                                                               LUCY Bunny helps me.                                                               MADYLIN I thought he couldn’t….                                                               LUCY Oh he just finds them for me on the Internet.  He downloads the ads and then I go look at them. I go every weekend.                                      (to Bunny) Can we show Madilyn?  It’s like the ultimate in window-shopping.                                                                BUNNY Um, sure.  I’ll be right back.                           (BUNNY exits into the bedroom.)                                                                   LUCY Wouldn’t it be wonderful?  To live in a big house in the country somewhere?  I found this great Tudor upstate last weekend.  It was only two hundred and fifty thousand dollars.  Can you believe that?  It has five bedrooms.  We could all live there.                                                               NICK Spiffy.                                                               LUCY I think it would be wonderful.                                                               NICK Living in the same house?                                                               LUCY Or in different houses on the same property.                                                                NICK Like a hippy commune?                                                                                     LUCY The four of us together someplace.  In a home.                                     (to Madilyn) I think it’s the most beautiful word in the world.  “Home”.  Don’t you?                                                               MADILYN Yes.                                                               LUCY I do, too.  Am I hungry?  Nick, do you think I’m hungry?                                                               NICK Probably.                                                               LUCY What am I hungry for?                                                               NICK Try the dip.   (LUCY goes to the kitchen and fills up her plate.  An uncomfortable silence.  Madilyn glances around the room.)                                                               MADILYN That’s a beautiful vase.                                                               NICK Urn.                                                               MADILYN What?                                                               NICK It’s an urn.                                                               MADILYN Oh.  Oops.                                                               NICK I guess urns can be pretty, too.                                                               MADILYN Was that… is that Bunny’s—                                                               NICK Her name was Elizabeth.                                                               MADILYN Were they close?                                                               NICK Weirdly so.                                                               MADILYN How did she die?                                                                         NICK Old age, I guess.  She was pretty old.  Bunny doesn’t talk about it much.  I think he feels guilty about not taking her out more.  They used to go to the park.                                                               MADILYN It must have been awful.  Was Bunny’s father still alive?                                                               NICK Bunny hasn’t spoken to his father in twenty years.                                                               MADILYN He’s pretty self-sufficient, isn’t he?                                                               NICK Oh yeah, he can amuse himself for hours with just a salted cracker.                                                               MADILYN I mean his life is… together.                                                               LUCY He used to be better, you know.                                                               MADILYN More together?                                                               LUCY He used to go out.  Before.                                                               NICK Lucy, why are you saying this?                                                               LUCY Because I was there.                                                               MADILYN What happened?                                                               LUCY We were window-shopping downtown.                           (BUNNY appears in the doorway, papers in hand. HE steps back into the shadow to listen.)                                                               NICK This is disgusting.                                                               LUCY It is not.                                                               NICK You tell her, but you won’t say a damn thing to Bunny.                                                               MADILYN Tell him what?                                                               LUCY Bunny used to make this face whenever he went outside.                                                               MADILYN What face?                                                                 NICK Like his jockey-shorts just bit him.                                                               LUCY He was concentrating, that’s all, trying to stay calm.                                                               MADILYN All the time?                                                               LUCY We were window-shopping, and the sun came out and he saw his face on the glass.  And he asked me if it was always like that, his face, and I said, no.                                                                MADILYN So?                                                               LUCY But it was.  And he knew it.  He could tell.                                                               MADILYN You think he stopped going out because he made a funny face?                                                                         LUCY No.                                                               MADILYN Then what?                                                               LUCY Because I lied to him.  I made it worse.  I made it shameful.  If I hadn’t lied—                                                               NICK What Lucy is not telling you—the point of this story—is that Bunny made a choice. He decided to become a basket case.  He ran, he hopped back to his little apartment.                                       MADILYN But he’s always had agoraphobia.                                                               NICK Yes, but the glorious fruitcake you see today, the guy who can’t step onto his balcony in broad daylight, he decided to become.  And Lucy is too much of a chicken to tell him to his face.                                                               MADILYN If it means that much to you, why don’t you tell him?                                                               NICK Creepers, I tell him like five times a day.                                                               LUCY The point is, I think he could get better again, if he had a reason to.                                                               MADILYN A reason?                           (BUNNY enters abruptly.)                                                               BUNNY Sorry.  I had to print them.  Here.                           (HE hands the pages to Lucy.)                                                               LUCY Did you keep the home from last week?  I really liked that one.                                                               BUNNY It’s there.                                                               NICK Hey Bunny, what’s wrong with this picture.  You’ve got a narcoleptic, an agoraphobe, a transient amnesiac, and an apraxic.  Which one doesn’t belong with the others?                                                               MADILYN They all belong together.                                                               NICK Wrong.  Narcolepsy, Apraxia, and TGA are all neurological.  They’re physical mis-wirings.  We can’t help ourselves.  Agoraphobia is a mental disease.                                                               MADILYN If this is a support group, don’t you think you should be a little more supportive?                                                               NICK A what?  You told her this was a support group?                                                               BUNNY It’s a kind of support group.                                                               NICK This is not… I don’t need “support”.  This isn’t a support group, Madilyn.                                                                 MADILYN What’s wrong with it being a support group?                                                               NICK We’re not nuts. Well, most of us aren’t.                                                               MADILYN Are you always this angry?                                                               NICK I don’t know.  Am I?                                                               MADILYN Is that your shtick?                                                               NICK What can I say?  Everybody’s got a talent.                                                               MADILYN It’s not a talent.  It’s a way of hiding your feelings.                                                                         NICK I don’t have any feelings to hide—                                                               MADILYN It’s about not being able to control your disease.                                                               NICK This!  This! is why we’re not a support group!                                                               MADILYN Do you think it’s sexy?  To be filled with rage?  Is that why you picked being angry?                                                               NICK No, I’m full of rage because I have ideals.  I have ideals because I’ve got preconceptions—ideas about how the world is supposed to be.  And because people keep screwing with how the world is supposed to be, I have rage, yes.  I don’t have blackouts, or fall asleep, or hide in my room.                                                               MADILYN I don’t have blackouts because I’m angry at the world or God or whatever it is—                                                               NICK I don’t believe in God.  I believe in Phillip Morris.  I believe he cares very deeply about my well being.  He’s a participatory deity.  And if you don’t mind, I’m going to have a little communion now.               (NICK marches toward the balcony to smoke a cigarette.  Stops at the sliding glass door.  Grimaces.  He bows abruptly toward the door and back up again.  Grits his teeth.  His knee bobs up as if we is trying to open the door with it.  It drops down.  NICK lunges forward with both hands for the door handle, whips the door open, and finishes storming out.  Beat.)                                        LUCY When you look up P.M.S. in the dictionary, it’s actually Nick’s face you see.                                                               MADILYN I don’t think we hit it off very well.                                                               BUNNY Actually, it’s going better than I expected.                                                               LUCY Nick’s always angry.  I think he was dropped on his head as a baby.                                                               MADILYN Not often enough.                                                               LUCY No, that’s one of the causes of apraxia.  Head droppings.                                                               BUNNY Brain lesions.                                                               MADILYN Maybe I should go.                                                               LUCY No!  You can’t go.                                                               BUNNY He’s not always this bad.                            (Bunny’s wristwatch ALARM starts to ring.  HE switches it off                         and immediately LUCY and BUNNY begin to get out their pill                         bottles.  They continue to speak as they self-medicate.)                                                               LUCY Nick’s emotionally constipated.  Most days nothing comes out, and then all of a sudden….                                                               BUNNY Most apraxics don’t freeze up the way he does.  Their muscles just do something else.                                                               MADILYN                                     (watching them curiously) Like what?                                                               BUNNY Like combing their hair when they mean to brush their teeth.                            (LUCY gives her bottles to BUNNY to open, who does so and                         returns them to her.)   Or reaching out with the wrong hand to shake hands.  The impulses go to the wrong muscles, like at the door.  I think Nick freezes up on purpose.  To stop himself from doing the wrong thing.                                       (noticing Madilyn’s stare)   Sorry, we’re on the same schedule.  It’s kinda habit.                                                                MADILYN What are you taking?                                                               LUCY Pills to stay awake, pills to fall asleep, speed up, slow down, be happy, be normal.  Pills for the pills, it’s a cornucopia.                                                               BUNNY Mine are mostly for anxiety.  I get nervous if I don’t take them right after the alarm.                                                               LUCY Do you take anything for your amnesia?                            (MADILYN shakes her head, no.)                                                               BUNNY This must look kinda weird.                                                               MADILYN                                     (shaking her head, no) Familiar.                                                               LUCY What makes them happen?  The, you know.                                                               MADILYN Intense emotions.  Stress.  Cold showers.                                                               LUCY And you really start asking questions?                                                               NICK                                     (from the doorway, cigarette in hand) What does your husband think?                                                               MADILYN My what…?                                                               NICK I notice you don’t wear a ring.                                                               LUCY You’re married?                                                               MADILYN Yes.                                      (to Nick) My ring is in the shop being cleaned.                                                               NICK What’s his name?                                                               MADILYN Tom.                                                               NICK Tom.  What’s Tom like?                                                               MADILYN He’s in investing.                                                               NICK Who isn’t?                                                             MADILYN He’s very… neat.                                                               LUCY Neat?                                                                 MADILYN Tidy.  He has these perfect manicured hands.  He spends half an hour filing and cleaning them every night.  He’s that way with everything.                                                                LUCY How did you meet?                                                               MADILYN On the train.  To Montreal.  We were seated in the same cabin.                                                               NICK Sounds romantic.                                                                         MADILYN It was. It was snowing.  Big, beautiful snowflakes like the ones you cut out of paper.  I remember because it was the fifteenth of June.  The Ides.  It was a freak occurrence.  An aberration.  Snow in June.                            (The PHONE rings.  Everyone waits for BUNNY to answer it.)                                                                         BUNNY The machine’ll get it.                           (It RINGS again. NICK picks up the receiver by the balcony.)                                                               NICK Bunny’s Hutch?                                                               BUNNY Nick!                                                               NICK What?  Bernard Temple?  I don’t know, let me ask around.  Is there a Bernard here?                           (BUNNY grabs the receiver from him.  It is a corded phone.  He’s stuck                         talking in front of the others.)   I didn’t think there was a funnier name than “Bunny”.                                                               BUNNY                                     (quietly) Hello? Yes.  Yes, I know.  I understand.  No, please don’t.  I could… how much?  No I’ll… yes.  Thursday?  I can.  I will.  I understand. Yes.  Thank you.                            (NICK opens the refridgerator.  Stares inside.  He goes to the cupboard and opens it.  The shelves are stacked with boxes of Mac-n-Cheese and Top Ramin.)                                         BUNYY (cont) No, no I will.  That’s not necessary.  Thank you.  Thank you.   (BUNNY hangs up the phone.)                                       NICK Mac-N-Cheese?  Top Ramin?  Peanut Butter?  You’ve got an empty fridge and a cupboard full of Mac-N-Cheese?  What’s going on?                                                               BUNNY Nothing.                                                               NICK Was that a creditor?                                                               BUNNY It’s just a miscommunication.  Someone’s been charging things on my credit card, that’s all.                                                               LUCY How can they do that?                                                               NICK All they need is your social security and credit card numbers.                                                               LUCY How did they get that?                                                               BUNNY I don’t know.                                                               NICK Maybe it’s from buying everything you own on line.  Well, you called the bank, right?                                                               BUNNY I did.                                                               NICK And?                                                               BUNNY It’s complicated.                                                               NICK Those bastards.                                                               LUCY Why didn’t you say something?                                                               BUNNY I didn’t want to worry anyone.  It’s nothing.                                                               MADILYN When did it happen?                                                               BUNNY A little while ago.                                                               NICK How little?                                                               BUNNY November.                                                               NICK Five months ago?                           (BUNNY doesn’t respond.)   A year and a half ago?                                                               BUNNY I think.                                                               NICK How did it drag on for so long?  You kept on top of them, right?  You have to hound them.                                                               BUNNY Well he paid it back.                                                               NICK He paid it back?                                                               BUNNY Yes.  After a few weeks there was a deposit in my account.  He paid it back in full.                                                               NICK Then why are you getting calls—                                                               BUNNY And then he’d use the card some more.  And pay it back again.                                                               NICK You reported this to the bank, right?                                                               BUNNY Why do you keep asking that?                                                               NICK I’m trying to figure out what the problem is.                                                               BUNNY Well it seemed kind of harmless.                                                               NICK You didn’t report it to the bank?!  You are like the biggest idiot I ever met.                                                               MADILYN Nick, you’re not helping.  Why didn’t you report it?                                                               BUNNY Well he kept paying it back.  I thought I could trust him.                                                               NICK He was using you, Bunny.                                                               BUNNY No he wasn’t.                                                               NICK He was taking your money, and you weren’t getting anything back.                                                               BUNNY I was getting….                                                               MADILYN What?                                                                                                                                      BUNNY Well, um, one day I saw a charge from this really fancy restaurant I’d heard of, so I called, and they told me I’d had… he’d had the foi gras.                                                               MADILYN He ordered foi gras?                                                               BUNNY I’d never had foi gras before.  You can’t order it over the Internet.  I mean he ate at some really fancy restaurants.  And traveled.  He was in Italy last summer.  And he always paid me back.  I mean there were a couple of times when I paid because I didn’t want a late charge, but the bills were kind of like, you know… post cards.  Like he was saying hello, and thanks a lot for the loan.  Like we were friends.                                                                NICK Oh, this is just frickin’ spiffy.                                                               MADILYN Nick.                                                               NICK And then he stopped paying, right?                                                               BUNNY Sort of.                                                               NICK Sort of, Thumper?                                                               BUNNY The truth is, he was never actually paying me back.                                                               MADILYN But you said….                                                               BUNNY Apparently, um, every time he paid a bill he was taking out another credit card in my name, and using it to pay mine.  The one I had from before.  I mean I guess they’re all mine now, but the one that was mine from before—                                                               NICK Oh shut up, Bunny.                                                               MADILYN How many credit cards did he take out?                                                               BUNNY                                     (lying) A couple.                                                               MADILYN Can you pay it?  Just until this gets straightened out?                                                               BUNNY Uh....                                                               NICK Bunny, your mother left you half a million dollars.                                                               BUNNY The bank froze it.                                                               NICK Half a million dollars?!                                                               MADILYN Bunny, how much do you owe?                                                               BUNNY Not that much, really.                                                               NICK Bunny....                                                               BUNNY Nine hundred and eighty thousand dollars.                                                               NICK What?!                                                               BUNNY Apparently, I bought a boat at some point.                                                               NICK And now the bank doesn’t believe you because you didn’t fight it.                                                               MADILYN Bunny, you can’t pay that.                                                                NICK They’re going to take everything you own.                                                               MADILYN They froze everything?                                                               NICK Lucy, why don’t you say something?                                                               LUCY I…I—                                                               MADILYN Bunny, they could take your home away from you.                                                                NICK Take his home?  They’re going to throw him in jail!                                                               LUCY Oh my God, what are you going to do?                                                               NICK He’s got no income.  He doesn’t work.                                                               LUCY What are you going to do?  What are you going to do?                                                               BUNNY WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?                            (LUCY faints.  NICK catches her, and sets her down                         on the couch.)                                                               BUNNY (cont)                                     (verging on hysteria) Do you want me to say, “I don’t know”?  I don’t know what to do?                                                               MADILYN Bunny, I’m sorry—                                                               BUNNY What good would that do?                                                               MADILYN It’ll be okay.  We’ll figure something out.  It’ll be fine.                                                               BUNNY How?  How will it?                                                               MADILYN I don’t know.   It just always seems to work out that way.  It’s like gravity.                                                               BUNNY                                     (curling up in a chair) I didn’t do anything.  I never hurt anybody.  Why does this always happen to me?  Why?                                                               MADILYN                                     (to Nick) Is she alright?                                                                         NICK Give her twenty minutes.                                                               MADILYN Do we do anything?                                                               NICK Like what?                                                               MADILYN I don’t know.  Brew coffee?                                                               NICK Hey, Rip Van Winkle, you want some coffee?                                                               MADILYN Nick!                                      (beat) Can she really hear you?                                                               NICK It’s kind of like a trance.                                     (leaning in to Lucy) Okay Lucy, when we’re playing poker, this is how I know when you’ve got a good hand.                                                               MADILYN Bunny, did you call the police?                                                               BUNNY I tried.  I tried to explain what happened, but they wanted me to come down to the station to fill out a complaint.  I tried to explain why I couldn’t, but they thought… they started treating me like I was some kind of deviant.                                                               MADILYN Do you have any money?  Stocks?  Anything?                                                               BUNNY It’s all frozen.                                                                                                                           NICK You’ve already gotten an eviction notice, haven’t you?  The tape on your door.                           (Beat.  Bunny nods, yes.)                                                               MADILYN Well, then we’ll just have to find him ourselves, if the police won’t help.                                                               NICK Find who?                                                               MADILYN Whoever is stealing Bunny’s money.                                                               NICK We don’t know anything about him.                                                               MADILYN We’ve got his credit card bills.  We know everything he’s bought. What he eats.  What he drinks.  Where he shops.  We can build a profile of him.  That’s how they do it in the movies.                                                               NICK That’s, like, the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard.                                                               MADILYN Can’t you be just a little bit positive?                                                               NICK Believe me, I’m positive that’s the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard.                                                               BUNNY Nick’s right.  It’s hopeless.                                                               MADILYN That’s not true.  We can find him. You’re one of the smartest, most capable people I know.                                                               NICK Bunny is?                                                               MADILYN                                     (to Bunny) Anyone who can make their life work living with agoraphobia.                                                                  NICK What kind of people do you normally associate with?                                                               MADILYN You know, you’re really an ass, you know that?  You’ll argue about everything, but you won’t do anything.  Well, I don’t think it’s hopeless.  You can’t give up, yet.  We’re going to help you, right Nick?  Nick!                                                               NICK Bunny... listen.  Just remember it’s always darkest right before the dawn.  So if you’re going to steal a car, that’s the time to do it.                                                               MADILYN Nick!                                                               NICK What?!?  What good is a “profile?”  What in the world are you going to do with a profile?                                                               MADILYN Think creatively, that’s what.  Figure something out.                                                               NICK I don’t mean to be patronizing or anything—that means to talk down to—but I know geese that can think more creatively than you three.                                                               MADILYN Well, we can’t just sit here and wait for Bunny to be….  It’s his home, for Christ’s sake.  So we’ll start with the bills.  He ordered the stuff from someplace.  At least will know where he’s been.                                         (BLACKOUT)