Gravedigger's Tango Sample Pages

Act 1 Scenes 1 & 2 The Gravedigger’s Tango                                                                                                              SCENE ONE  SETTING:       A cemetery.  Up right is a mound of earth with a shovel stuck into the ground.  Stage left is the porch of a small house.  Behind, the silhouette of grave markers may be visible.  The “England” scenes are to be played down-center, with the set “suggested” by a piece of furniture and/or sound.  AT START:     A black stage.  In the darkness we hear the murmur of a crowd and whispers that fade until only one voice is left, breathing heavily in the darkness.  The frantic breaths are interspersed with—                                                                                                                  PIP (VO Whispered) Oh God… oh God—oh God.  Why is it so… some light—the moon… anything.  Where are you…?  Crap.  Where are you?  Where-are-you where-are-you where-are-you?   (Pip enters with a flashlight.  In the dim light, it is only possible to make out the figure of a young, thin man wearing overalls, bandana, and a hat.  His face is dirty and he looks all of seventeen, though his real age is probably twenty-two.  He searches the stage, the beam from the light flashing across objects and audience members.)                                                                PIP Crap, crap, crap.  Uh… Laszlo?  Crap.  I don’t even know if that’s his first name.  Mr. Laszlo?  Sir?  Why is it so dark out here?  Mister?  Laszlo?  Sir?   (Pip turns around, lighting up into the face of LASZLO, immediately behind him.  LASZLO is a burly man dressed in identical overalls and hat.  HE grabs PIP by the throat, nearly lifting him from his feet, and drags him downstage into a soft pool of light.)                                                               LASZLO Who are you?  What are you doing here?                                                               PIP                                     (struggling for air) Bertrand—                                                               LASZLO You’re trespassing, you understand?                                                               PIP Bertrand—                                                               LASZLO Speak up, boy.                                                               PIP Bertrand sent me.   (LASZLO release him.)                                                               LASZLO What for?                                                                                                 PIP Jesus, you scared me to death.                                                               LASZLO What for?                                                               PIP To help out.  He hired me to help—                                                               LASZLO Help?  Then why’d he send a skinny little mud rat?  A pipsqueak?                                                               PIP Up yours.                                                               LASZLO Why would he do that?                                                               PIP                                     (massaging his throat) He says you got a lot of work now.                                                               LASZLO                                     (coldly) Why I got a lot of work, now?                                                               PIP I don’t know.                                                               LASZLO Plague coming?                                                               PIP No, I—                                                               LASZLO School burn down?                                                               PIP No.                                                                                                             LASZLO Train wreck?                                                               PIP No.                                                               LASZLO Maybe it’s the highway.                                                               PIP I just answered the ad.                                                               LASZLO Maybe it’s all the graves he has to dig up so the highway can come through.                           (Silence from Pip.)   Lotta money, selling land to the Highway Department.                                                                         (Beat)                                                                 PIP                                     (flatly) I don’t know anything about a highway.                                                               LASZLO You think I’m a fool?  Get out of here before I smash your head in with a shovel.   (LASZLO stalks away.  PIP holds his ground.  LASZLO stops, stares at him.  He suddenly grabs the shovel and charges him.)   AAURGH!   (PIP cowers but holds his ground.  LASZLO stops with the shovel above Pip’s head… lowers it.)   What the hell’s wrong with you?                                                               PIP I need a fucking job.  That’s what’s wrong with me.  I’m broke.  Why else would I take a crap job like this?                                                               LASZLO Don’t disrespect it.  Disrespect it and I will crack your skull open with this.                                                               PIP Alright.  Jeeeez.  Why are we out in at four in the morning, anyway?                                                               LASZLO We’re not.  I’m out here and you’re out here, but we’re not out here.                                                               PIP Well why couldn’t we not be out here at ten or something?                                                               LASZLO It keeps the illusion.                                                               PIP Of what?  That it’s not a crap job?   (LASZLO pauses.  He weighs the shovel in his hands.)                                                               LASZLO What’s your name?                                                               PIP Trick.                                                               LASZLO Trick?                                                               PIP It’s short for Patrick.  Patrick Bulifant.                                                               LASZLO It don’t suit ya.  We’ll call you “Pip” for now.  You ever been a gravedigger, Pip?                                                               PIP Yeah.  Over at Holland Cemetery.                                                               LASZLO                                     (impressed) Holland?  Big place.  Modern.  They got those 305 diggers.                                                                PIP Yeah.                                                               LASZLO                                     (coldly) Here we do it by hand.  You prolly don’t know squat about digging graves.                                                               PIP It’s a hole.  What kind of dumb ass can’t dig a hole in the ground?                                                               LASZLO I’m only going to tell you one more time—                                                               PIP Good, cuz I’m getting tired of hearing it.                                                               LASZLO Get the hell out of my cemetery before I set the dogs on you.                                                               PIP Look, I’m just... I’m supposed to help you.  I’m sure you need some help.  Bertrand said I should do whatever you tell me to.                           (beat)                                                               LASZLO You work for me?                                                             PIP Yeah.                                                               LASZLO So, you’re like my... “Boy”.                                                               PIP What?                                                               LASZLO You’re my Whippin’ Boy.                                                               PIP                                     (uncomfortably) Uh-huh.                                                               LASZLO Say it.  You’re my “Boy”.                                                               PIP Oh, come on.                                                               LASZLO Say it.                                                               PIP                                     (grimacing) Fine.  I’m your... boy.                                                               LASZLO Good.  You’re fired.                                                               PIP Look, he said I should work for you, not that you can fire me.  So if you don’t want me to do nothing I don’t mind just sitting here and watching you sweat.                           (Pause.  LASZLO thrusts the shovel at him.)                                                               LASZLO Dig.                                                               PIP What?                                                               LASZLO Dig.                                                               PIP Here?   (LASZLO points to the mound.)   How deep?                                                               LASZLO Til oil comes up or I say stop.                                                               PIP Is this like a test?                                                               LASZLO It’s a hole, dumb ass.   (PIP climbs the mound.  Hesitates.)                                                               PIP This one going in or coming out?                                       LASZLO Dig.                                                               PIP I just wanna know if I’m gonna hit something down there.   (Silence from Laszlo.  PIP starts to dig awkwardly.)                                                               LASZLO Ever seen a corpse when it comes up, Pip?  You’ve never seen death til you pull one out of the ground. Ten, twenty years the coffin cracks open like a walnut, and they’re staring up at you.  If you’re lucky the shovel takes the head off before you get a good look.  We send ‘em down into the underworld like Painted Ladies, all rouged and waiting to be kissed, and Hell strips the lie from their faces and spits them out.  Half bone, half flesh.  Their teeth bared in the devil’s grin.  And the stench... you start to smell it before you even see ‘em.  First the smell of earth, all  wet and moist, and then this other smell, this stench like rotting meat mixed in and getting stronger... stronger with every shovel.                            (PIP faulters.)   Dig.                            (PIP resumes.)   Ain’t that why you’re here?  To dig them up?  Isn’t that why Bertrand hired you?                                                               PIP Who’s grave is this?                                                               LASZLO Haven’t you guessed?  It’s yours, Yorick.                                                                                                                         PIP I get it.  I’m not stupid.  I get it.  Hamlet.  So you can stop pretending you’re gonna bury me here.                                                               LASZLO Keep digging.                         (PIP returns to digging.)                                                               PIP You know there’s a grave down the hill with no dates on it.  Over by the tree?  No birth, no death.  Did you know that?  Just the epitaph.  “Not one but two hearts lie below, Beyond the reach of all we know, Pray be silent and do not stir, Til I find my way back to her.”  Isa...  Isadora Ashcroft.                                                               LASZLO Isabella.  Ashecombe.                                                               PIP Why’s there no date on it?                                                               LASZLO He didn’t know it.                                                               PIP Well…when was she buried?                                                               LASZLO Third of January.  She might have died either year.                                                               PIP And they didn’t know when she was born?                                                                LASZLO No.                                                               PIP Wasn’t her family here?                                                               LASZLO You always this chatty?                                                               PIP Yeah.  So what was he like?  The guy who wrote it?                                                               LASZLO You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.                                                               PIP Try me.                                                               LASZLO                                     (flaring) He was in pain!  He was broken—that’s how they come here.  He was half a ghost himself... his eyes were like a dead animal’s.  He fell down on his knees, right by that tree.  He fell down and begged me to trade places with him… to be able to stay here.  He was rich, and he offered me everything he had down to the clothes on his back in exchange for the rags on mine.  And land, farther West… whole acres of land.  But he frightened me.  I thought he had gone mad, and I feared what had driven him so.                                      (beat) He was mad, I’m sure of it.  Mad with grief.                                                                PIP That’s where the highway is going through, isn’t it.  Down at the bottom of the hill.                                                               LASZLO I thought you didn’t know anything about the highway.                                                                PIP Bertrand’s a prick.  He told me not to say anything.   Those are the ones that are coming up, aren’t they?  That dozen at the bottom.                           (LASZLO turns to leave.)   Hey, how long am I supposed to keep digging?                                                               LASZLO Til you can’t climb out.                                       (BLACK OUT)                                                                       SCENE II  The porch stage left has been pulled towards the right to reveal the interior of a small apartment.  PATRICK lounges on the couch with a bag of chips, watching TV.  He has a caste on one arm, from wrist to mid-bicep.  PIP enters stage right, dragging his shovel behind him.  He walks with his head down, slowly across the stage and up the steps.  At the sound of his footsteps, PATRICK leaps up to turn off the TV and frantically brushes the crumbs from the couch.  He hides the opened bag of chips under a side pillow and dashes to meet PIP at the door.                                                              PATRICK Are you okay?                                                               PIP Yeah.                                                               PATRICK Man, I was so worried.  I thought maybe they caught you.                           (PIP collapses down on the couch.)   What are you doing with a shovel?                                                                         PIP I got half way home before I knew I had it.                                                                PATRICK They’re gonna think you stole it.                                                               PIP Then I couldn’t get my fingers to open.                           (PATRICK gently pries PIP’s hand open and takes the shovel.  He puts it by the door.)                                                               PATRICK You sure you’re okay?                                                               PIP They do all the digging by hand.                                                               PATRICK Yeah, I know.                                                               PIP I think I started hallucinating out there.                                                               PATRICK Can I get you anything?                                                               PIP Something to drink?                           (PATRICK runs to the fridge to get Pip a drink.)                                                               PATRICK Is he as crazy as everybody says?                                                               PIP Pretty much.                                                               PATRICK They said he set his dog on a contractor last week.  That’s how crazy he is.                                                                PIP I kept seeing llamas, black llamas watching me.  In the dark.  They had sneakers on—that’s how I could tell they were there.  They have really soulful eyes, you know.                                                               PATRICK He goes around talking to himself all the time.  Mumbling and talking to the graves.    (PIP unconsciously slides his hands over the couch and up under the side pillow.  He pulls out the bag of half eaten chips.)                                                               PIP What did you do today?                                                               PATRICK                                     (returning with the soda) Nothing.  Man, I was too worried.  I watched some WWF wrestling, you know.  Nothing much.                           (PATRICK gets close to PIP and tries to kiss him.  Pip jerks away.)                                                               PIP What are you doing?                                                               PATRICK Nothing.  I just—                                                               PIP Are you crazy?                                                               PATRICK No, I—                                                               PIP I’m tired, Trick.  Can’t I even come home without you jumping all over me?                                                               PATRICK I’m sorry.  I just wanted—what can I do?  What do you want?                                                               PIP Is there anything to eat?                                                               PATRICK We could go down to corner.                                                               PIP You didn’t even go to the store?                                                               PATRICK No.  Hell, I don’t know what to buy.                                                               PIP Buy things to put in your mouth.  Buy cheese and stuff.  You just sat around all day and watched wrestling?                                                                PATRICK Hey, you didn’t tell me to go to the store.  I don’t know what to do.                                                               PIP That’s because I do everything around here.                                                               PATRICK I didn’t even want you to go there.                                                               PIP What were you going to do?  Show up like that?  They do all the digging by hand, Trick.  We need money.  Money so I can go to the store and buy food and do everything else around here.                                                               PATRICK Look, I already feel helpless, alright?  I’m so helpless I’m choking on it.  I can barely breathe.  I was so scared for you—if they found out you weren’t me, they’d... I don’t know.  They’d be pissed.  Just tell me what to do, tell me so I don’t feel so fucking helpless all the time.                           (PIP steps up to Patrick and kisses him.  As SHE does, her hat falls, revealing long hair.)                                                               PIP I’m sorry.                                                               PATRICK I mean, what am I supposed to do in three weeks?  Just show up instead of you?  They’re gonna fire me, Claire.                                                               PIP At least we’ll have some money.  They’ll understand.                                                                PATRICK Claire—                                                               PIP I’ll work hard.  Nobody’ll care if we get the work done.  As long as Bertrand doesn’t show up he’ll never know.  And when he fires Laszlo, you’ll take over and we can move out of here.                            (She jabs Patrick in the ribs, tickling.)   Then I’ll stay home and watch WWF Wrestling.                            (He pulls her down onto the couch with his good hand.)   So... who won?                                                               PATRICK Tatanka!  He crushed Rickie Martel.                                                               PIP No way!                                                               PATRICK Tatanka Tomahawk Chopped him off The Top Rope.                           (PIP wrestles herself on top.)                                                               PIP No way, no way—                                                               PATRICK Third time for Pretty Boy.  He cried like a baby.                                                               PIP You’re making that up.                                                               PATRICK Boo-hoo.                                                               PIP Hey!  Don’t mess with me.  Nobody messes with a Tucker woman.  My momma buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.                           (PATRICK pulls her to him and kisses her.)                                                               PATRICK You’re not so tough.                                                               PIP You don’t know the half of it.                                         (BLACKOUT)